Letting Go

My daughter fell asleep tonight watching her mommy cry.  She has been having a hard time falling asleep lately, and tonight was the worst it has been.  Her normal “Don’t leave, Mommy” was followed by, “Stay in my room.”  After several unsuccessful attempts at getting her to fall asleep on her own, I gave up and decided to rub her back for her until she fell asleep.  Unfortunately, she wasn’t as asleep as I thought she was when I tried to leave her room…five times.  So, on the sixth attempt, as I was lying next to her on the floor, my frustration boiled out in the form of tears.

What was the cause of my frustration, really?  My pride.  I’m quite proud of the fact that my children can go to bed without all the drama.  We worked very hard with the two older ones to get them to have a regular bedtime routine.  And, we’re in that process now with our new baby.  “How can I get my baby into a bedtime routine,” I wondered, “if my daughter is fighting bedtime so much?”

And then even more questions popped into my mind.  “How can I handle more than three kids?  Do I really want more than three kids?”  I’ve always thought I wanted a big family.  And even now, I usually feel like I want more than three kids.  But I’m starting to see that part of my reasoning for wanting a big family is pride.  I want to show people that I can be a good mom to lots of kids.

Of course, first I need to be a good mom to a few kids.  I know that, with God's help, I am a good mom for my kids.  And yet, I struggle some days with patience.  I struggle with pride.  Some days I struggle just to make sure they have clean clothes and eat good food!

Maybe someday God will give me the chance to be a good mom to lots of kids.  Fortunately, he's giving me practice with just a few right now.  It's amazing how often God uses my kids to teach me a lesson.