Picture Day

Five years ago was my first "Picture Day" as a mom. I clearly remember what my oldest was wearing: an old Phineas and Ferb t-shirt with several stains and a ratty pair of brown sweat pants. I completely forgot that it was picture day until I was picking him up from school, noticing how nicely dressed several other children were as they walked to their cars.

Today was picture day, and my fourth child has the same teacher as my oldest did that year. She's been sending out reminders for the past week, and she made a point to hand me the sheet from the photography company. Maybe she remembers Picture Day five years ago, too.

My boy today on Picture Day!

Thinking back on that day makes me tear up. It takes me to a hard place in my life, a time when I felt overwhelmed and confused. I had a hard time keeping up with a 4 year old, 2 year old and 2 month old, and I couldn't quite tell why. I kept remembering what my mom had told me: after 3 kids, it wasn't so bad. But, right then, it was BAD!

My husband remembers that time, too. He remembers sitting at the dinner table wondering how long it would take until I burst into tears. Would it be a child refusing to eat that set me off? Or would it be a bill coming in the mail?

I was fortunate enough to have someone who cares about me step in. She gently suggested that maybe I had postpartum depression. At her urging, I went to my doctor and got the help I needed.

I'm writing today for two reasons. One is that I think many of us are afraid to talk about our mental health, fearful that it is a sign of weakness. After I was diagnosed and I garnered the courage to tell a few of my friends, I found out that some of them had also suffered with depression. Having someone to talk to who could understand what I was going through really helped me. I think it can help many of us. (This is NOT to take away from a trained counselor, though! Professional therapists have an important role and are trained to help in these times.)

I'm also writing today to help me remember. Some days I forget what it was like in that place I lived five years ago. When I forget, I also may forget to have compassion for someone else who forgot Picture Day or their husband's Work Dinner or to take their child to swimming lessons. I want to remember that day so I can be the friend who is there to listen and offer support.

Today

Today reminded me of why I started on this journey in the first place.

17 months ago I joined my first accountability group. I wanted to be healthy so I could play with my kids. And I wanted to set an example of a healthy lifestyle for them.

Fast-forward 17 months, and my drive to continue has been wavering, somewhat. I had surgery in August, I got sick just after I got back into working out. My kids have been sick. I'm still not used to my new schedule of piano lessons. All these excuses keep running through my head. "Do I really even want to continue?" I've asked myself several times this week.

This morning, my husband and I committed to each other that, at the very least, we would take a family walk. This would help me get back at it. It wasn't until 3:30 this afternoon that we finally stood our ground (well, actually walked on it), and took our family walk.

The beautiful sunshine and crisp air was the perfect backdrop. Our two oldest rode their bikes. My husband pulled the next two in the wagon. I followed up the rear with our youngest in the hiking backpack.

As we walked, our family decided to follow a new route, which lead us past the playground of the neighborhood school. We decided to stop and play for a while. And as I watched my children, I remembered my why.

Here they were, running, playing, having fun. They weren't inside sitting watching t.v. And my husband and I chased them, pushed them on the swings and watched them try out their American Ninja Warrior skills. Seeing their smiles as the flew through the air, climbed up and down and ran, laughing, away from "The Tickle Monster" brought so much joy to my heart.

Tonight, as I tucked them in, my three-year-old said, "Mama, I had fun today."

So did I.

Learning to "Just Say No!"

I grew up in the 80's when we were taught to "Just Say No!" I didn't learn the lesson. No, I have not experimented with illegal substances. I just haven't learned to know my limits.

I have always wanted to make people happy. I have always wanted people to like me. And so I continually find myself in a situation where I have over promised and am afraid to under deliver. I am beginning to realize that when I do this, I am only hurting the people I want to help.

Yesterday, my devotion (Famous in Heaven and At Home by Michelle Meyrs) encouraged me to write a priority focus statement. Feeling rather overwhelmed last night, I did take time to do just that. This is kind of a personal thing, and I've debated sharing it, but I want you to be able to benefit from my mistakes, and so I am sharing it. (Fair warning, it's long.)

The spiritual and emotional well-being of my family is my top priority. I demonstrate this by being rooted in God's Word and prayer first-only then will I be able to let the Word of Christ dwell in me richly as I teach and admonish my children with all wisdom. I carry this out by being physically and mentally present and involved in the lives of my husband and children first. I will not allow financial gain or service to others outside my family come before the family God has give me. I will work when my children are sleeping or are in the care of another caregiver. I will prioritize time spent with my husband after my children are in bed and will only work when he is working. I will avoid using devices such as my phone and tablet for business or personal relaxation when I should be spending time with my family. I will know I am successfully prioritizing my family when they feel that I am engaged in their lives and when others notice my priority.

I will work to improve my marriage by consistently praying for Matt and his ministry, both in the classroom and through Revelation Sign Studio. I will respect his authority in our family and will be loving and romantic with him and will support him in whatever way he needs. I will know I am succeeding at this when we communicate calmly, laugh frequently and live faithfully to our marriage vows.

I will work with Matt to make sure that our children know that, after Jesus and each other, they are the most important people in our lives. We will commit to date night monthly. We will squeeze in one-on-one time with each of the children regularly. We will turn our devices to silent during meal times and family devotion. We will make going to church as a family a priority every Sunday. We will know we are successful when our children feel safe and loved.

As I went through my day today, this has been in the back of my mind. Did my mom need to write this down? No! Why do I? Because I have demonstrated to myself time and again my inability to learn to say no and put my own family first. I pray that you have no such issue. But if you do, please take a few minutes to think about what is most important in you life and write it out for yourself.

Going on Vacation

In my mind I've been writing this post for about two weeks now. It was going to be all about how hard it is to live so far from family, how hard it is when it comes "vacation" time because you're so busy planning and driving and visiting people that you don't really have time to relax. It was going to be about the need to keep working through the vacation. It was going to be thankful for the time away from home, but not really.

Thankfully, God changed my heart. He opened my eyes to see family that works just as hard to get ready for my family to visit. He opened my ears to hear the peace and quiet I am enjoying right now because my children are with their grandparents (or napping because they're exhausted from playing with their cousins all day yesterday). He opened my heart to recognize the joy I have seeing how much my nephews have grown.

And this is just the beginning. I am anxiously awaiting a week with more family and friends. A week where cousins will get to have sleep overs. A week where siblings will get to catch up and spend time together without their kids. A week to celebrate a marriage that has set the example for so many people.

So never mind the months of emails sent back and forth planning each day (we know it still won't go as smoothly as we'd like!. Never mind the unexpected extra costs that always come up. Never mind the road construction and traffic slowing us down. God has given my family time away from our routine. He has given us time to be together as our own family, time to be together as an extended family, time to be together as his family.

Happy summer vacation!

It's not good bye

Today, one of my closest friends moved. I got to spend one more day with her kiddos, enjoying them playing with mine. I am so incredibly thankful for all the time I've spent with them for the past four years.
What a blessing it has been for me to have been trusted to take care of someone else's children! I will freely admit that I did not have that perspective every day. But, truly, truly, when I think of leaving my children with another person, I realize the honor Elissa and Nick gave to me by letting me be a part of their kids' lives.
We've known for quite a while this day was coming. I've been sneaking in extra "field trips" and taking lots and lots of pictures. I've been praying for the right words to say to my own kiddos when they ask where their buddies are.
And yet this day surprised me. I'm not ready to let go quite yet. I'm still searching for the best way to tell someone the impact she has had on my life. Elissa, your positive, joyful attitude has inspired me so many days. Your love of kids makes me sad that you won't be my kids' teacher. But, most importantly, your love of Jesus shining through makes me know that today is not good bye.
Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for letting my family be a part of your life. We love you and pray God's blessings on you!

The Price

We recently celebrated Memorial Day, a day to remember the men and women who gave their lives in service to our country. My husband shared a photo with me that showed the numbers of people who died in combat during the different wars our country has been involved in. It was humbling to see how many people loved this country so much that they would be willing to sacrifice their lives in service.
I also saw many Facebook posts that said, "Land of the Free because of the Brave." How true. And again, how humbling. Men and women have paid the ultimate price to give me freedom. How can I every say thank you? The words are not enough compared to the gift given.
When I was in grade school, a popular song claimed "more than words" was all the singer needed to know his girlfriend loved him. The same is true here. My actions in response to the gift of freedom go miles beyond the words "thank you." I can show respect for our country and its leaders, teach my children to do the same, and show respect to the people that our brave soldiers died for.
As a Christian, I can do so much more. Galatians 5:13 instructs me. "You my brothers and sisters were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love."
I am thankful for the sacrifice soldiers have made for our country. This gives me more freedom to live my Christian life openly. But it is only because of Jesus' sacrifice that I am able to have true freedom. Freedom from the burden of sin fills my heart with the love of Jesus so I can serve others humbly.
Humble service looks different for every person called by Jesus. For me, humble service means fulfilling my responsibilities at home-cleaning, cooking, caring for children-without expecting my kids' or my husbands' constant praise. It means showing patience with the people around me when I am out running errands. It means joyfully praising God with the members of our church's worship team. It means letting Jesus shine through in all the other parts of my life, too.
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the sacrifice of the men and women of military. Thank you for their families' sacrifice. Thank you most for Jesus' sacrifice for me. You have created us all to humbly serve you. Forgive me for the times I seek my own glory. Please let Jesus shine through me today. Amen.

A Beautiful Heart

The devil has been working hard to steal my joy lately. I look in the mirror and the first thing that comes to my mind are negative thoughts. As I interact with my kids and other people through the day the negative comments keep running through my mind.
Tonight our Bible story with our kids was the story of Samuel anointing David. My husband and I talked with our kids after reading the story about how God looks at what is inside us. When our heart is full of the Holy Spirit, what comes out is God pleasing and makes us a beautiful person to him.
After we read the Bible story, my daughter shared a devotional story that she thought fit, too. It was based on Matthew 6:25-34. The devotion described a girl sorting through her closet, worrying about what to wear to church. We connected that with the Bible story because some times we get so caught up in worrying about how we look that we forget what is truly important to God.
It didn't really hit me until an hour and a half later that God was speaking to me, too. He doesn't look at the outside fluff. He sees my heart. When my heart is full of self-loathing and anger, there isn't room for Jesus and his love to shine through. I can't be a beautiful person when I focus only on my appearance. But, when I do focus on making my heart pleasing, the way I take care of my appearance is a way to glorify God.

Dear Father,
Forgive me for worrying about what I look like on the outside more than what my heart looks like to you. See Jesus in my heart so that I may be your beautiful daughter. Amen.

My Why

I'm tired. Physically, yes, a little. But I am more tired emotionally and, sadly, spiritually. I feel like I've been on autopilot lately, going through the motions of being a mom, a friend, a child of God. But I'm tired of being mediocre, of being lukewarm, of being tired.
Last night at our last women's Bible study for the school year, a friend said, "We should be in love with Jesus." Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I heard them and thought, "Yes. Yes I should. But I'm not."
It made me sad to think of how many times I have done extra for my husband because of all he does and sacrifices for our family, but I have an apathy toward my life with God. Last night, as I fell asleep, I told God that I wanted to be in love with him.
This morning my Bible reading was Psalm 63. It begins, "You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you..." It struck me that David was in love with God-head-over-heels. And I want to feel that way, too. Today, as I went through my day, my mantra was "I want to be in love with Jesus."
This afternoon, I was watching a Ted talk my coach asked me to view. It's about finding my "why." I felt so convicted by his words, and they weren't at all about being a Christian. But it hit me that I have been settling with mediocrity from myself lately, and it's showing in my relationship with my friends, my kids, my husband, and my Savior.
Part of my homework assignment for today is to come up with my "Why." As I have been thinking this through, struggling and praying, God has given me some clarity (that I only hope grows). Why do I want to do anything?
When I am head-over-heels in love with Jesus, I will be at peace. It's a wonderful feeling. I want other people, particularly other women, to feel that same peace. So, the first part of my why is that I want to have a platform to share Jesus' love with others.
As a coach, I will also be able to encourage other people as they use their bodies to glorify God. As much as I post a proof pic when I'm done working out, I don't really exercise to bring glory to my body. I exercise to be able to use my body to bring glory to God. When I am healthy and active, I am a much better mother: I can physically play with my kids and exercise provides a stress-relief for me that helps me be more peaceful in my interactions with my kids. So here is the other part of my why-sharing the walk through the encouragement of daily interactions around healthy actions.
I pray that I have the opportunity to share the walk with you!

Something Old, Something New

I went for a run tonight. Even though it was raining, I really enjoyed it. I like the alone time and the personal challenge that running provides me. But, because of injury, I haven't been running (other than one time two weeks ago) since I ran a 10K in November.
I have been staying active, using workout videos through Beachbody on Demand. I've been fairly consistent, too, because of different accountability groups I've participated in. Last week, though, I started something I never thought I would do-yoga.
When I've tried yoga in the past, I always giggle through what the instructor is saying. This time, though, I was determined to get past that. And, with the help of some friends, I've been practicing yoga for one whole week.
I wasn't sure I would practice tonight, since I ran. But, I didn't want to disappoint my friends, so I did. Now, if you are familiar with practicing yoga, what I'm about to say won't surprise you. I feel so much stronger and relaxed than I ever have after a run. I still can't do many of the poses without modifying, but I haven't given up and I'm seeing improvement.
Why am I sharing this? I'm excited that I have friends who have helped me try new things and stay committed to exercise, even through injury. Is this something you're interested in? I'd love to help you, too! I will be starting an accountability group on May 1st, and I'd love to have you join me!

Journeys

Over Easter, my parents drove 1000 miles in less than 24 hours to come visit my family. They arrived on Good Friday evening. And because they both have jobs, they left on Easter Sunday afternoon so they could be at work on Tuesday morning.
What an honor it was to have them here (at our new house) for the first time. We cleaned (as much as two adults with five children 8 and younger can clean) and cooked and waited for them to come. While they were here we enjoyed every second of the time we spent with them. And when they had to go, we were sad to see them leave.
It's significant that my parents came over Easter. Their journey has had me thinking of Jesus' journey, the sacrifice he made for me over 2000 year ago. He traveled from heaven to Earth to live and die for me. Do I spend as much time getting ready for Jesus' second coming as I did getting ready for my parents' visit? Not at all!
But Jesus does not regret coming for me, or for you either. He simply asks us to love him and know that he has done the rest. And this is what motivates us to do all the other things: to share Jesus with others; to cook and clean; to care for children; to drive the bus. Whatever you or I do we do it to honor Jesus for the honor he bestowed on us by making us God's forgiven children.
I pray that when my children are grown I will have the opportunity to share my love for them the way my parents showed me their love over Easter. Now I have the opportunity to show my love for my Savior in everything I do.