Am I There Yet?

As I sat on the couch this afternoon, untangling two balls of yarn and sitting next to my newest little peanut, two thoughts ran through my mind.  One was, “I am thankful the balls of yarn are rug yarn and not some fine yarn”—it was probably the easiest untangling job I’ve had in a while.  The other was, “Will I ever feel like I’m a competent parent?”

Let me back up.  This past Sunday I realized that October starts very soon.  That means I am back to “normal:”  teaching piano lessons one day a week, providing snacks at church once in a while, and playing organ for church.  When I told people I would be back in October, I was basing my decision on how I felt after the birth of our first two children.  And, physically, I feel the same now as I did then—ready to go.  But mentally, I feel quite disorganized.  I’m working on getting my youngest on a schedule, potty training my middle child, and taking my oldest to preschool three days a week.  I’m sure many of you reading this are laughing at me—you’ve gone through the same thing, and maybe even more so because you have five or seven children instead of only three.

Then, Monday came, and my new little peanut started acting out of sorts.  He’s three weeks old now, and almost 11 pounds, so I figured he was experiencing a little colic.  But that night he started sounding stuffy and having a hard time breathing.  In fact, we ended up calling 911 at 1:00 in the morning, and getting a ride to the ER in the back of an ambulance.  Of course, by the time the EMTs arrived at our house, peanut had settled down, was breathing normally, and fell asleep in the ambulance.  The ER doctor and nurses assured me that I did the right thing, but I couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed.  I mean, this is my THIIRD child, and I know they get sick and I know how to handle these things, right?

Tuesday morning meant a follow-up visit to the doctors’ office, where once again I was assured I had done the right thing in taking my son to the ER.  In fact, the doctor told me that if my son’s cough didn’t improve over night, I was to bring him back.  But, it seemed to my husband and me that he was getting better.

That was until about 3:00 this afternoon.  As my new baby lay on the floor, he kept spitting up and sneezing (much to the amusement of his two older siblings).  I was debating calling the doctor, when I realized that it was too late to get an appointment anyway.  I settled for holding my baby in a more upright position (duh!).  Of course, that was before my two oldest discovered the balls of rug yarn.

And so, as I sat thinking of the last few days, I felt less and less competent as a parent, which is right where God wanted me.  I realized that over the past few days, I’ve been spending more time in His word and more time in prayer.  I know I’ve said this before, but I can’t do this on my own.  God is the one who is with me, helping me in ways I can’t even imagine when I’m praying.

Of course, things don’t always go perfectly.  In my hurry to make supper tonight, I mixed things up and made and inedible Johnny Cake.  (My kids were excited to get to have Little Caesars for dinner!)  But, as I sit here writing, my kids (all three) are sleeping peacefully in their beds.  I may not be a competent parent yet, but I’m hoping to get there someday.  Meanwhile, I can rest assured knowing God is good and he is in control.